27 ways to be a WHAT?

Forsooth boys and girls. I’m going to join in the fisk fest of this article and give it the wolf treatment. Meaning…fuck polite.  As Usual my response in italics

27 Ways to Be a Modern Man
Also known as I’m a pretentious prick who will instruct you on how I think you should be to conform to my conformity.  My general response to this whole article is…forsooth…why dost thou not sally forth and molest thyself with an implement of bedroom pleasures basted in the sauce of the Ghost Chile?   IOW Go fuck yourself with a sex toy soaked in ghost pepper sauce nancy boy

Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.

Nay…the modern man lives the way he wants and anyone who doesn’t like it, can go fornicate with a knothole in a wooden fence. I’m guessing by the wincing in your voice you’ve already been doing that…

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Fucking seriously? I’m supposed to know my wifes shoe size? A. I don’t have a wife. B. I don’t have a girlfriend. The ONLY sizes I expect me to know, and this is personal choice here…is ring size, preferred necklace length, favorite stone and wrist size because…*shrug* personally I’ve always like to surprise the women in my life no matter who they are…with things that sparkle.. And if you say diamonds I’m going to laugh your silly ass out of the room.  Actually I’ll probably do that anyway. As for knowing which brands run one way or the other?  Helloooo…that’s what they make dressing rooms for, you dull witted poltroon.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

Well as someone else pointed out…this way leads to trying to suck start your 12ga and that’s bad. Makes you wonder if he wants people who disagree with him to vanish?  If you’ve got problems you talk them out with someone. be it spouse, girlfriend, sister, brother, cousin, parents, shrink your fucking bartender…but..yeah…don’t hold it in and suck start your firearm of choice lads. Ain’t the way to solve the problems.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

A? what movies is this moron seeing? He ain’t watching what I normally watch because there’s very little quiet about most of the films I watch. B?  Well yeah there is such a thing as not being a dick in a movie theatre. My own personal pet peeve is assholes with laser pointers. I find myself wondering sometimes if it would be possible to shove them up the owners rectal cavity to try and locate the organ they purportedly think with.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

No a man eats whatever the fuck he wants you dictatorial little dilittante.  Sometimes the gristle or charred bits are the best bits. You’re eating out? If the food sucks…you complain to the waiter. if that doesn’t work you complain to the management. If THAT doesn’t work you walk the fuck out and spread the word that…Yo dudes these people don’t give a fuck about their customers. Avoid at all costs.   I avoid this by knowing how to cook. I suspect the punctilious  little moron who wrote this could burn water…without turning on the stove.  I’d actually be somewhat surprised to discover otherwise.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Noooo…a man parks where ever he so chooses. if he wants to waste time trying to find the closest spot possible…it’s his time to waste and hurts no one….not even himself.

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

Nope this is a failure to be a man, a husband and a father. Why? because cleaning up after everyone else is failing to TEACH that actions or in the case of not making sure your phone is plugged in or fully charged, lack of actions…have consequences. Thereby creating a useless drain on society.  Now it’s nice to be nice to your spouse..I’m not arguing that…just arguing that it’s her damn phone and therefore her responsibility. 

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

*raises an eyebrow* Wait did he really just say something that pretentious and stupid?  *glances at the preceding bits of the article* Neeever mind…this whole article is pretentious and stupid. So much so I wouldn’t even condescend to wipe my ass with it.   A man buys what he wants to drink…he doesn’t worry about other peoples opinions about what he drinks. 

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Ah our punctilious, pernicious putz is also a word nazi. Big shock. Dude? I said it earlier but it bears repeating….go fuck yourself.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

Hmmm I’ve got friends and family with daughters…they wouldn’t necessarily disagree. OTOH even a blind squirrel occasionally gets a nut.   I’ll simply expand it to say..I’m not a father…just a doting protective uncle. Therefore…I can say that my nieces, my darling angels…have prematurely greyed my hair. I do not chide them or blame them for this for, forsooth..some women find my grey haired sexiness attractive so verily…I’m getting more attention which makes me a happy wolf.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

1?  What? Has this over grown imbecilic child not heard of a ‘new invention’?  It’s already swept the world…it’s called a TOWEL…you can use it to dry your dishes with before putting them away instead of waiting for the dishes to air dry.  Novel concept I know.  2?  There’s another modern invention called…a dish washer!  You just put your dirty dishes in it, put in the dishwasher safe soap of your choice, close it up, press start and voila!  Like magic the machine does all the work for you, including drying the dishes. 

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

I tweet but very rarely. It’s a lot of fun to watch a wordsmith like Larry Correia school hysterical fools in 140 characters or less though.  Twitter to me is just a back up to contact a couple people if failbook and what not crashes.  Others use it more…to each their own.

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

Dude…OCD much? Use the bar til it’s GONE.  Otherwise…why buy soap to wash with simply to throw it away? jesus jumpin h christ pogo sticking across the alps.

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

A man listens to whatever floats his boat and doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks.  Trying to say your not a man  if I don’t listen to something I think is garbage…is passive aggressive diktat spewing.  Seriously? is this shit the best you got?  

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

Diktat spewing again? Seriously you addlepated fuckstick?  You’re starting to bore me.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

. you have to wear designer name shoes to stomp on a  custom installed hardwood floor?  To express your displeasure or express your mood?  Cereally?   Dude..You’re not a man, you’re an infant. Which explains a lot actually.  

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

Or better yet so I can reach for my fire arm of choice and shoot the stupid son of a bitch who breaks into my house. Someone does that is asking for a funeral…his own. If you’re wife is the better shooter though…getting in her line of fire might get you killed.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

Where does this imbecilic child come up with this shit? Seriously?  You don’t need a melon baller you effete non man. Use an ice cream scoop.  Seriously?  Orrr…you could just eat the melon quarter with a spoon…novel concept I know.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

No he doesn’t THINK about it at all… he buys a shoehorn if he NEEDS one. Otherwise he doesn’t. again…it’s called personal choice. look it up in the dictionary. You DO know what a dictionary is don’t you?

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

No he TELLS her flat out he’s sorry for…whatever reason is called for and discusses it to try and keep it from happening again. Flowers are gifts to be given upon any special occasion or no occasion at all.  They  are NOT apology placebos you buffoon.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

No a man cuddles with his woman in anyway he/they see fit at any given time. Spoon, not spoon. Some good old fashioned canoodling while she sits in your lap.  A nice reverse cowgirl without the sex…which just isn’t nearly as much fun.  Whether he’s the ‘little’ spoon or the big spoon, or neither spoon is up to him and his significant other. Not an insignficant, pugnacious, pustulous little  pissant like you.

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

Okay, as I said earlier …even a blind squirrel occasionally gets a nut.  Don’t know why he threw this out there. probably just to make his list longer and seem more significant and thoughtful than it actually is.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

The newspaper? who the fuck reads the newspaper the old fashioned way anymore. Seriously?  At $2 a pop for the daily editions and 3 for the saturday and sunday editions most papers are dying on the vine and don’t know it yet. Either that or they REALLY think well of themselves…wrongly.  The only thing I buy newspapers for is kindling for the fire place and for my bbq pits.  Most of the rags that call themselves NEWS papers such as the Yellow Lady..aka the New York Times or “the nit” for short.. You know…the one you’re peddling your pedantic nonsense to? Well, kindling is all they’re good for. Okay and maybe coupons but you can get coupons digitally nowadays without buying the papers so *shrug*

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

Michael Mann? who the hell is michael mann? Hang on a second, let us google this person I’ve never heard of[probably for good reason]  Ah okay he was a director on Miami Vice back in the 80’s. outside of that? nada that I’ve heard of.  So yeah I’d rather spend a couple hundred dollars buying all the bond films. This set as a matter of fact. Why I haven’t bought it before I can’t fathom.
50yrs of Bond yessss   Oh and if anyone has a spare grand…Slipstream Collection

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

Yeah that’s great unless at the moment it goes dead you’re on the phone with a relative in a hospital across the country or world on their death bed..dying as they speak to you….  
Or your wife is calling you for an emergency or you are trying to give directions to 911 where you’ve gone over a bridge and are trapped in your car…but hey drowning is FUN! You useless maggot ridden meatsack!  Okay not entirely useless, maggots need to eat too.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

Seriously? Uhmm…hunting for food for the table. Killing nuisance animals and predators hunting your livestock that are your families livelihood. Killing teh stupid son of a bitch kicking in your door thinking he’s gonna get all sorts of cool free stuff without a fight.  Seriously, you ball- less whiney little child?  Turn in your man card and go back to sucking your thumb while other people run your life for you

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

Nooo he cries if he WANTS to. 

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

Uh huh. sure. So you’re saying a modern man HAS to dance?  Nope…go fornicate with a porcupine.

Wow…finally we’re to the end of the insignicant list of diktats by a sewage spewing infant. That is all I now return you to your normal routine. And considering the time right now as I finish this…the steak/ribs/brisket/chicken/turkey/burgers/dogs …you just finished cooking on your appropriately man sized fire pits. Have fun ya’ll

 

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